Fifteen Hundred Miles from the Sun: A Novel by Jonny Garza Villa

Author:Jonny Garza Villa [Garza Villa, Jonny]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Skyscape
Published: 2021-06-07T22:00:00+00:00

29

Xochi enters her guest room—now my bedroom—to set a suitcase full of what was left of my clothes beside some trash bags full of possessions. Not saying anything. Only setting the luggage down and looking at what’s become of my life.

She turns to me. Still silent, arms crossed, fingers tapping against her skin, staring. Her eyes are bloodshot. A mixture of not sleeping last night, spending all that time she should’ve been asleep crying, and probably a morning of yelling.

“Can we talk?” she asks.

I nod and sit up on the bed. Xo pulls at the comforter and slips under with me.

“I—” She takes a long, heavy sigh. “I know I haven’t been around a lot before August. I missed the better part of a decade of your life. But don’t think I was ignorant to the things Papi told you and called you. I had plenty to say to him.”

“I know, Xo. It’s—”

“No, ’manito. Let me finish. There were things he kept me from seeing. But there was also what I chose not to see. And what I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry there were times when you needed someone, and I looked away. That you had to go through this alone for your entire life. I know you can take the words. Even from him. I know you’re strong. But did—” She grabs my hand in both of hers. They’re soft. Warm. Safe. “Did Papi ever hurt you? Did he—”

“Hit me?”

“Yeah.”

My heart is beating so fast. I feel the room is closing in on us. I’m having trouble breathing. Speaking.

I’m scared of saying yes. I’m scared of what that says about me. That I let him. That I didn’t tell anyone. That every time I thought I could try to accept myself, the fear of what he’d do to me kept me closeted and afraid.

That it takes so much out of me to be happy with who I am. To not let it all defeat me. To tell myself that it’s okay to be me.

That even after all those times, hearing all those things that made me believe otherwise, I still love Dad.

I try to say yes, but all that comes out are more tears and sobs. I nod and fall onto her shoulder. Holding on to her. She’s crying again too. For me. Because she couldn’t or didn’t protect me. Because she doesn’t want me carrying all this on my shoulders any more than I already am.

“You’re safe now, ’manito.” Her hand brushes through my hair. “I’m so, so sorry.”

I cling to her. And as destroyed as I am, I try to let myself feel safe for what might be the first time in my life.

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